i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Randomize