i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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