i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
