I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
