I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
