I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
