she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
