If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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