Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
