we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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