She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
