I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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