you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
