can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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