What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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