just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
