why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
