She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
