If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
