Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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