I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
