Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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