my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
