addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
