If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
