that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
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