No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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