my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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