____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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