I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
