Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He called his prostate his "boner button".
NoShamevember. You game?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
