i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
