Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
