Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
