Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
