I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
