...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
