Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
