i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
At least life still wants to fuck me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
