Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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