chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I can't put those talents on a resume
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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