Apparently you make a good broom.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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