Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
