fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
