End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
