So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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