Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
