yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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