M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
