He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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