Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
