I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize