All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
