Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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