I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
