i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
