My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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