this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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