just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
