oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize